RAW Results (12/31/12) – Washington, D.C.

Date: December 31st, 2012
We are LIVE in: Washington, D.C.
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler
______________________________________________________

Raw intro plays.

[Note: I missed the opening segment, so here’s Michael Bleuth’s results.)

The Miz kicks off RAW by announcing that Vickie Guerrero has declared that tonight’s show will have a “Champions Choice” theme, with “all” titles on the line tonight (except for CM Punk’s WWE title) and the champions getting to pick their opponents.

The Miz hosts MizTV with his guest, John Cena. Cena starts talking about the holiday season but is interrupted by Team Rhodes Scholars, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow. Cena points out that Washington Redskins quarterback RGIII, who was featured on WWE RAW several weeks ago,is in the crowd. It’s announced that The Miz and Cena vs. Rhodes Scholars will be taking place next.

[Commercial]

[Match 1]
[Tag Match]
[John Cena & The Miz vs. Rhodes Scholars]

Cena and Damian are in the ring. Cena has Damian in a headlock. Damien gets to his feet and drives Cena back. Off the ropes and Cena with a back body drop. Tag to Miz. Miz drops on Sandow’s back and then kicks him in the rubs. He whips him and Damien grabs the ropes. He knocks Miz back with forearm shots before tagging Cody in. Cody kicks Miz against the turnbuckle and whips him. Miz counters and catches Cody with a clothesline. He puts Cody at a turnbuckle and delivers a ten count of punches followed by a big left hand. He covers and gets a two count. Miz whips Cody and Count counters with an uppercut. Cody keeps Miz in his corner and tags Sandow in. Sandow grabs Miz by the head and smacks it against the mat. Sandow with kicks to the arm follow by a pin for two. Sandow catches Miz with the elbow of disdain. He tags Cody back in. Cody with a headbutt and a kick to the head before he applies a headlock. Miz gets up, but Cody shoves him in the corner. Miz fights out of the corner. Cody shoves Miz into the ropes and kicks him in the groin. Tag to Sandow and Sandow gets a two count. Sandow goes for a suplex but Miz counters with a small package for two. Miz tries to get to Cena, but Damien tags Cody in and Cody stops him with a kick. He puts Miz at the ropes and drives a knee into him. Cody with an arm lock. Miz gets up and fights back, but Cody pulls Miz’s head down on the mat and tags Sandow in. Sandow with a snapmare followed by clubbing blows to the chest. Tag back to Cody. Cody kicks Miz and runs the ropes looking for a bulldog, but Miz counters and slams Cody down. Both men crawl to their corners. Sandow and Cena tag in. Cena with shoulder tackles followed by a spinning powerbomb to Sandow. Cena runs the rope and hits five knuckle shuffle. Cody springboards off the ropes and hits Cena with Disaster kick. Miz catches Cody from behind and hits Skull Crushing Finale. Cena picks up Sandow and hits Attitude Adjustment for the three count.

[Winners via Pinfall: John Cena & The Miz]
[Time: 07:11]

Backstage, a New Year’s party is taking plac.e Everyone is backstage talking. Vickie is talking to Otunga.

Otunga: I’m, so excited about 2013. It’s going to be a great year for me.

He leaves. Dolph Ziggler walks over.

Ziggler: Great party! Thanks for the invite.

Vickie: I didn’t invite you.

Ziggler: Let’s let bygones be bygones.

Vickie: I hope you and your little girlfriend enjoy yourselves. You have a match tonight against Sheamus. Enjoy your happy New Year.

Ziggler leaves looking upset while Vickie laughs.

[Commercial]

At the party, WWE Champion CM Punk shows up with Heyman.

Vickie: How are you, Punk?

Punk: I’m fine. Do you know some people don’t appreciate me? Some people say this injury isn’t real.

Vickie: Of course it’s real.

Punk: I have medical records proving it which i’m going to show these people tonight. Due to my injury, I can’t defend my title tonight.

Vickie: Let’s just speak hypothetically. Who would you have faced for your title tonight?

Punk: That’s easy. Ryback.

Vickie: Well then we’ll have to put Ryback in a match tonight. How about…

Punk whispers to Vickie.

Vickie: I have an idea. Ryback will be put in a three on one handicap match against all three members of The Shield.

Punk: That’s not a good idea. That’s a GREAT idea!

They leave.

United States Champion Antonio Cesaro is in the ring.

Here I stand in the capital of the United States of America, Washington D.C. as YOUR United States Champion. I went sight seeing today. I went to the Washington Monument. I went to the Lincoln Memorial. I went to the Pentagon. All things I am a champion of. And while I was at the Pentagon I met somebody who happens to be here tonight. Someone full of Patriotism and is synonymous with the red, white and blue. I choose as my opponent tonight a man who symbolizes America itself.

Sargent Slaughter comes out and heads to the ring to compete.

[Match 2]
[United States Championship Match]
[Antonio Cesaro(c) vs. Sargent Slaughter]

Bell sounds. They grapple. Cesaro with a hammerlock and he slaps Slaughter around before taunting him. They grapple again. He gets because Slaughter. Slaughter counters and Cesaro grabs the ropes. Sarge slaps Cesaro in the back. Cesaro, now angry, kicks Slaughter and knocks him down before applying a headlock submission. Slaughter counters with a counter elbows followed by chops to the chest. Cesaro goes for a whip, but Slaughter counters and catches Cesaro in the cobra clutch submission. Cesaro grabs the ropes and knocks Slaughter back with a couple uppercuts. He sets Slaughter between his legs and hits The Neutralizer for the three count.

[Winner via Pinfall: Antonio Cesaro]
[Time: 01:50]

Slaughter tries to get up and Cesaro grabs him. He hits him with a second Neutralizer and stands tall over him.

Tonight, Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee will give a New Year’s toast, and they’ve invited John Cena to join them.

[Commercial]

Tonight, Ryback takes on all three members of The Shield.

Kane and Bryan are pacing backstage.

Kane: This sucks! I wanted to pick The Shield as our opponents.

Bryan: Me too. It’s not fair!

Kane: There has to be someone we can fight!

There’s loud screaming at the other side of the locker room. Bryan slides open a panel and sees Slater, Mahal and McIntyre playing air guitar.

Slater: Can’t you see we’re trying to rehearse?

Kane: Yes. Yes.

Bryan: YES! YES! YES! YES ! YES!

They leave.

McIntyre: Can you believe that? Interrupting us like that?

Back at the party, Ricardo Rodriguez is getting a drink. World Champion Big Show walks over to him.

Amigo! Como Esta! Como Se Burrito! How would you like a chance at the World Champion tonight? Well tonight is champion’s choice. And I pick you.

Ricardo spills his drink on Show’s boots.

Clean…that…up.

Ricardo does so.

Good luck.

The divas are backstage and they greet Mae Young.

Eve: WWE’s favorite Octogenarian. Well tonight, I’m going to defend my championship against…

Mae: Me?

Eve: That’s right. Against you.

At ringside, WWE Tag Team Champions Kane and Daniel Bryan comes out and head to the ring to defend their titles against 3MB.

[Commercial]

[Match 3]
[Tag Team Championship Match]
[Team Hell No vs. 3MB]

Bell sounds. Slater and Bryan start up and grapple. Slater with an arm drag. They grapple again. Bryan with a side headlock. Slater shoves him into the ropes and Bryan with a takedown. Bryan applies a surfboard submission. He tags Kane in while stil holding Slater. Kane runs the ropes and dropkicks Slater for a two count. He whips Slater and Slater tags in McIntyre. They grapple and Drew with a side headlock. Off the ropes and Kane knocks him down with a shoulder bump. He puts him in the corner and tags Bryan. Kane whips Bryan into Drew in the corner. Bryan covers and gets a one count. Bryan gets Drew up and Drew knocks him back for a bit. Bryan counters with kicks. Blind tag to Slater. Bryan goes off the ropes and Slater pulls the ropes causing Bryan to fall out. While they distract the ref Mahal hits Bryan with a running knee. Bryan is tossed back in. Slater with a headlock submission to Bryan. Bryan gets up and Slater gets him back down with a swinging neckbreaker for two. Slater with another headlock. Bryan gets up, runs the ropes and he and Slater hit each other with cross body blocks. Tag to Drew. Bryan leaps to Kane and tags him in. Kane with a body slam and leg drop to Drew. He throws him at the turnbuckle and clotheslines him. He goes for it again and Drew with a kick to the head. Kane fights back with a boot to the face and a side slam for two. Kane climbs to the top and hits a clothesline off the top. Slater tries to stop him, but Kane tosses him off. Bryan catches Mahal with a diving knee off the apron. Kane grabs Drew and hits him with a chokeslam. Tag to Bryan. Bryan climbs to the top and hits a diving headbutt for the three count.

[Winners via Pinfall: Team Hell No]
[Time: 06:10]

Next, CM Punk comes out to explain his medical condition along with his doctor.

[Commercial]

CM Punk comes out along with Heyman and his doctor. They head to the ring.

Heyman: Ladies and gentlemen my name is Paul Heyman. And at this time it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the man who has held the WWE Championship for each and every single day of the calendar year 2012, your reigning and defending WWE Champion for 407 consecutive days, I give to you the best in the world…CM PUNK!

Punk: Wow. 2012. What a year it’s been for me. Wrestling and besting names like Chris Jericho, Dolph Ziggler, Big Show, Alberto Del Rio, Daniel Bryan, John Cena more than one, Ryback numerous times. Being champion for 407 days and seeing and doing things nobody else can do it tough, and as you can see i’ve been injured. I’ve had my share of torn ligaments, broken teeth and bones. But if a fraction of what I endured in 2012 happened to any of you you would be sucking your thumb crying to mommy. But I am a man. I am a champion. I am a champion’s champion and I persevere. And I stand tall. Even through the waves of disrespect shown form the WWE Universe. There are some who question me and wonder if this is real. They wonder if this is felonious. That’s why I have brought my doctor, a man who has taken the Hippocratic oath.

Doctor: In order to understand Mr. Punk’s injury, one has to see what a healthy knee really looks like. Take a look.

A photo is shown of a knee.

Doctor: And now, Punk’s current injury.

Another photo is shown of Punk’s knee.

Doctor: As you can see, the meniscus is inflamed and there is major swelling.

Punk: And despite this horrific injury, next week I have a title match with Ryback. I made a career out of beating people like Ryback, and I want Ryback to know that with one arm, one eye, and even if I have one leg, next week I will continue to do what I have done the entire calendar year and show taht I am the best in the world.

Doctor: Mr. Punk! Mr. Punk! I’m sorry, but I cannot allow youy to compete.

Punk: What are you talking about? You just said-]

Doctor: I know what I said. But after further review I cannot under good conscious allow you to compete.

Punk: Are you serious?!

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon comes out and power walks to the ring.

Vince: I apologize for coming out and interrupting. I just had to come out and say HAPPY NEW YEAR! The other reason I came out is that now that you’re weaseling your way out of this match-

Heyman: Woah woah woah! Weaseling out? Vince, he’s been WWE Champion for 407 days and with all due respect i’d say he’s never weaseled his way out of anything.

Vince: Mr. Punk, it seems that in light of medical conditions I would advise that WWE officials should check you and make sure you can compete next week. And if they say you can, then you will face Ryback in a TLC match.

Punk: I know you think i’m guilty of these things, but i’m not. Why are you trying to take this away from me?

Vince: I’m not taking anything from you. You’re a great talent. But there has been speculation about why you’re champion. Speculation about a former referee named Brad Maddox. Speculation about a formation with a group called The Shield.

This hurts coming from you. For the last time i’m going to say it to you and all these people, I had nothing to do with The Shield. Nothing to do with Brad Maddox!

Vince: I advise that the investigation will continue.

Heyman: This time, you surprise me. This man is everything you’ve ever wanted to promote. This man is a hero. More than that, he’s an injured hero. How dare you, in the same city where you father first made sports entertainment. You know what you’ve become? You’ve become a flesh pandering promoter. How dare you?!

Vince: How dare I? If in fact WWE officials say you can’t compete next week, then you won’t. It’s that simple. But we’ll have to find another opponent for Ryback to face next week. And that opponent would be

He looks at Heyman

Vince: …YOU! I have a feeling that it’ll be tables, ladders and chairs, and you’ll be defending your title. Thank you.

Vince leaves with Heyman shock and Punk upset.

Coming up, Dolph Ziggler and AJ give a toast to the New Year. Plus, Sheamus takes on Dolph Ziggler.

[Commercial]

Ziggler comes out along with AJ Lee and Big E. Langston for his match.

His opponent, Sheamus, comes out next.

[Match 4]
[Singles Match]
[Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus]

Bell sounds. Ziggler with a kick to the gut followed by punches and elbows to the back of the head. Sheamus clobbers him down and smacks him against the turnbuckle before hitting a clothesline. Sheamus with a body slam followed by an elbow drop for two. Sheamus with an arm lock, but Ziggler fights out of it and drives a knee into Sheamus’ head. He goes for a whip. Sheamus counters. Ziggler ducks a clothesline and Sheamus catches him with a flapjack. Sheamus with a suplex for two. Ziggler gets up and charges Sheamus, but Sheamus back body drops Ziggler onto the apron. Sheamus grabs Ziggler and hits clubbing blows to the chest, but stops when Big E Langston gets up close to them. Sheamus keeps an eye on him.

[Commercial]

Ziggler with a side headlock. Sheamus shoves him back and spears him into the corner before hitting a running knee lift. Sheamus goes for a powerslam, but Ziggler slides out of it and catches Sheamus with an implant DDT for two. Ziggler with a diving elbow for two. Sheamus shoves Ziggler and punches him back, but Ziggler with a standing dropkick for two. Ziggler with a sleeper hold submission. Sheamus fights to his feet. Ziggler kicks him and runs the ropes but Sheamus counters with a powerslam for two. Ziggler rolls to the apron and catches Sheamus with a jawbreaker. Ziggler climbs to the top, but Sheamus lands a punch and climbs up. He grabs Ziggler and delivers a top rope fallaway slam for two. Sheamus climbs to the top, but Ziggler hits the ropes and Sheamus lands on his crotch. Ziggler climbs up top, but Sheamus punches him down before landing a battering ram. Sheamus goes for the Cloverleaf submission, but Ziggler grabs the ropes. He runs the ropes and goes for another implant DDT, but Sheamus counters with White Noise. Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick, but Langston grabs Sheamus’ leg and trips him up. Sheamus turns to him and Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag, but Sheamus throws him out of the ring. Langston grabs him and puts him down. Langston gets on the apron and Sheamus waits for him to get in the ring when suddenly The Shield enter the ring and beat down Sheamus from behind. Ziggler is disqualified.

[Winner via Disqualification: Sheamus]
[Time: 12:54]

The Shield pummels Sheamus until he stops moving. Then they lifts Sheamus up and drop him with the triple powerbomb.

[Commercial]

Kingston is backstage asking how Sheamus is doing. Wade Barrett walks up to him.

Barrett: Kofi. You know it’s a very interesting night here. It’s Champion’s choice. And every single champion has chosen their opponents except you. What’s wrong? Trying to decide between Hornswoggle and Little Jimmy? Don’t answer that. You should just pick me.

Kingston: Or maybe Hornswoggle and Little Jimmy should be picked. They may put up more of a fight. You want a rematch? That’s fine. I beat you before, and I can beat you again.

Wade smirks and leaves.

Meanwhile, Heyman and Punk are talking when Brad Maddox walks over to them.

Punk: HEY! Not like we’re having a private conversation or anything.

Maddox: I think we can help each other. I lost my last chance in a match on Smackdown. Know what I mean?

Heyman: No, I don’t know.

Maddox: I need a job.

Heyman: Well try to find the unemployment line then. We can’t help you.

Maddox: You can’t help me?

Heyman: Get out. Get out of CM Punk’s locker room. Get out of this arena, and most important…get out of my life!

Brad leaves. Punk laughs.

At the party, Mae Young looks hurt. The divas are telling a doctor that she has stomach cramps. They help her down onto a table. The doctor checks her.

Doctor: That’s not possible. There’s no way she can compete tonight. This woman’s…pregnant.

-Soap Opera music plays-

Mae: Not again…

[Commercial]

WWE Divas Champion Eve comes out.

Eve: Mae Young. What a flimsy excuse for getting out of a match with me tonight. It’s a shame. I was so looking forward to defending my title against a Hall of Famer. But since she can’t come out, ref, declare me the winner. First of all, I need a photographer to take a picture of me defeating a Hall of Famer.

Kaitlyn comes out and enters the ring. Eve kicks and punches her down, but Kaitlyn fights back with a shoulder tackle followed by a volley of punches. Eve tries to leave, but Kaitlyn goes after her and tosses her into the barricade. She then throws her back in the ring and throws more punches. Eve slides out of the ring, grabs her title and retreats.

Backstage, Ricardo is prepping for his match. Alberto walks up to him.

Del Rio: Ricardo, it’s you against that monster. It’s not fair. It should be me facing him, not you. But how are you feeling?

Ricardo: I’m not feeling good,but tonight I am going to win the title in your honor.

Del Rio: Ricardo, you have shown nothing but honor, and I have always treated you like dirt. Nobody should be treating you bad, including me. So mi hermano, i’m going to be there for you.

Ricardo: Gracias. Tonight, this fight is for us.

Del Rio takes off his scarf and puts it in Ricardo.

Del Rio: Here, Ricardo. If you’re going to face Big Show, you have to look like a champion. One more thing: do it with style.

Del Rio tosses Ricardo the keys to his car. Ricardo leaves looking happy.

[Commercial]

World Champion Big Show comes out and heads to the ring for a title match.

Ricardo comes out in Del Rio’s Mercedes. Del Rio then comes out to support him.

[Match 5]
[World Heavyweight Championship Match]
[Big Show(c) vs. Ricardo Rodriguez w/Alberto Del Rio]

Bell sounds.

Show offers Ricardo a leg. Ricardo grabs the leg ans Show slams him down. Show pulls the tux off and chops Ricardo in the chest. Show leans him against the ropes and chops him again. Show chokes him out for a bit before dropping him. Show places Ricardo on top of the turnbuckle. Del Rio yells at him. Show yells back giving Ricardo time to catch him with a kick to the head. Show runs at him and Ricardo avoids it. He catches Show with an inzigiri kick to the head. Show goes for a boot and Ricardo clips the leg. Ricardo gets to the top and jumps off only for Show to tackle him down. Show grabs Ricardo and headbutts him. He goes for a knock out punch, but Del Rio enters the ring and clips Show’s leg.

[Winner via Disqualification: Big Show]
[Time: 02:26]

Before Show can get up, Del Rio catches Show with a crescent kick to the head. He grabs Ricardo and they leave.

Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston comes out and heads to the ring to defend his title.

[commercial]

His opponent, Wade Barrett, comes out next.

[Match 6]
[Intercontinental Championship Match]
[Kofi Kingston(c) vs. Wade Barrett]

Bell sounds.

Bell sounds. They grapple. Barrett has Kingston int the corner. He whips him into the turnbuckle. Kingston moves out of the way and lands some kicks before appling an arm lock and a side headlock. Wade Barrett shoves Kingston into the ropes. Kingston leap frogs twice and catches Barrett with a back elbow for two. Kingston wrap his arm around Barrett’s neck, and Barrett shoves Kingston into the corner. Barrett with an arm lock submission. Kingston shoves Barrett out of the way and goes for Trouble in Paradise, but Barrett stops himself before being hit. They circle each other and Kingston slips behind Barrett before applying a headlock. Barrett shoves Kingston into the ropes. Kingston goes for a monkey flip, but Barrett counters with an arm drag over the ropes. Kingston drags Barrett out of the ring with him and they both fall out.

[Commercial]

Barrett has Kingston in a headlock. Kingston gets up, runs the ropes and goes for a clothesline but Barrett ducks and catches Kingston with a side kick. Barrett grabs Kingston and hits a pump handle slam for two. Barrett puts Kingston on the ropes and ties him up before catching him with a boot. Kingston grabs the boot and pulls Barrett out of the ring. He jumps off the apron and cross body blocks him. He tosses Barrett back in the ringfor a two count. Kingston with two clotheslines and a dropkick. Kingston goes for a sunset flip pin, but Barrett rolls him up for two. He goes for Waste Land, but Kingston slips off and hits SOS for two. Barrett at the turnbuckle. Kingston goes for a ten count, but Barrett with a powerbomb for two. They get up. Kingston goes for Trouble in Paradise, but Barrett ducks it, lifts Kingston and hits Waste Land for two! Barrett walks around wondering what to do next. He goes to grab Kingston and Kingston with a small package for two. Barrett with a clothesline. He kicks Kingston in the corner. Kingston with a slingshot dropkick. He springboards for a cross body, but Barrett avoids it. He picks up Kingston and connects with the Bull Hammer for the three count.

[Winner via Pinfall: Wade Barrett]
[Time: 10:39]

Backstage, everyone is waiting for Mae Young to give birth. Sigh.

Still to come, Ziggler and AJ’s toast, and Ryback takes on The Shield.

[Commercial]

A recap of last week’s Christmas Eve episode plays.

The camera goes backstage to Santino and Zack Ryder.

Santino: IT’S PARTY TIME!

Vickie goes over to them.

Vickie: You don’t wanna come in here. Mae’s giving birth to the New Year’s baby!

Sure enough, Mae is propped up and about to give birth. Everyone tells her to push. Bryan and Kane walk over to them.

Bryan: NO! NO! NO!

Kane: YES! YES! YES!

Santino: I can see! He’s starting to crown!

The “baby” pops out, and it’s Hornswoggle dressed as baby New Year. Kahli hands Hornswoggle over to Mae Young.

At ringside, The Shield comes out and enters the ring.

[Commercial]

Ryback comes out and walks to the ring. Before he can get there, The Shield exit the ring and gang up on him. Ryback fights them off before getting in the ring and spearing Ambrose into the corner. Rollins and Reigns pulls Ryback off and pummel him down. Ambrose joins in, and Ryback is down. Sheamus runs into the ring and beats up on The Shield, but they soon gang up on Sheamus as well.

Randy Orton comes out! He runs into the ring, clotheslines rollins and beats on Reigns. Sheamus and Ryback join in now, and Ryback press slams Rollins onto Reigns. Orton gives Ambrose the RKO. The Shield leave the ring and run into the crowd while Ryback, Sheamus and Orton watch.

[Match Never Took Place]

Backstage, Ziggler and AJ are dressed up and ready for their toast.

[Commercial]

Ziggler, AJ, and Big E are in the ring.

Ziggler: Well there’s less than an hour to go in 2012, and i’ve decided that this toast goes out to the people who truly deserve it. Each and every one of you. You know why? Cause less than a month ago each and everyone of you voted for the Slammy Superstar of the year, and who did you pick? None other than the golden boy himself John Cena. And why wouldn’t you pick John Cena? What a great year he had. Last year, 2012, the first half of the entire year was the build up to the match of a lifetime: John Cena versus The Rock. A match that John Cena himself said he simply could not lose. And what happened? Anyone remember what happened? I have an idea how it ended.

Photo clips show Rock beating Cena.

Ziggler: Let me recap. In the match Cena said he simply could not lose, he lost. But not to be outdone, the very next night on Raw he came out and did something equally impressive.

A video plays of the next night on Raw when Brock Lesnar gave Cena the F5.

Ziggler: John Cena got his ass kicked by Brock Lesnar! Now some say there’s no shame in getting beat up by Brock Lesnar, but there’s no way-how can you account for this one?

Video plays of Over the Limit when John Laurinaitis pinned Cena.

Ziggler: You even remember that guy? John Laurinaitis? “People Power”? You’d think there would be nothing more embarrassing than that. But wait. Cena, show us what’s next.

The video shows Raw 1000 when Cena cashed in Money in the Bank and got disqualified.

Ziggler: John Cena breaking ground again because the first person to cash in Money in the Bank and lose. Now you think we could cut John some slack because this business is about ‘what have you done lately’. Does anyone know how Cena ended his 2012 PPV year? Bueller? Bueller? AJ?

AJ: By losing to Dolph Ziggler when I pushed him off a ladder at TLC.

Ziggler: Let me see it!

Video p[lays of AJ knocking Cena off the ladder giving Ziggler the win.

Ziggler: HOT DOG! We have a weiner! You all should be proud of yourselves because John Cena had the most embarrassing, disgusting, futile year of his entire life. And each and everyone of you voted him superstar of the year.

AJ: And they say I have mental problems. It’s clearly the WWE Universe that needs psychiatric help.

Ziggler: Good one, babe. In 10 years Cena hasn’t changed mentally or physically. He’s the same person. Get with the times! It’s 2012, and you know what? John? Your time is up, and my time is now. No offense. You’re just simply not on my level anymore. Babe, we should share a toast and make this the greatest New Year’s ever. Big E, John Cena is officially uninvited to this toast. Make sure he doesn’t come out and interrupt the greatest cheer. Thanks, buddy!

Big E steps out of the ring.

AJ: So everyone please join us in a toast not for John Cena, but for a real man. Let us toast the man who will own 2013. Mr. Money in the Bank, The Showoff, the man I love…DOLPH ZIGGLER!

The two share a kiss in the ring. John Cena comes out. Big E stands in front of him.

Cena: Easy, Mr. T. I dind’t come out to fight. I came out to praise your boss over there. Ziggler’s right everybody.

Zigg;er: What did you say, John? I didn’t hear that right/

Cena: You heard me. A real man can own up. You’re right. 2012 was not a banner year for me. If anything, 2012 was the year of Dolph and AJ.

Ziggler: You’re right. 2012 was great, but 2013 is going to be even better.

Cena: That’s right. AJ has grown so much as a woman with her first relationship. Then the second. Then the third. The fourth. I was the fifth, you all saw that one. And then a sixth, now she’s finally willing to settle down and make it legal. These guys went out into D.C. and shopped for their big wedding day. I have exclusive photos. BEHOLD!

A photo shows a cropped photo of AJ in a tux and Ziggler in a wedding dress.

Cena: You know what comes next. First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen.

A photo of an ugly baby is shown.

Cena: But it’s not her first baby. There have been others, and that’s not a bad thing.

Another photo shows babies with the heads of numerous WWE Superstars.

Ziggler: All he can produce is doctored photos because he has nothing. 2013 is going to come, and you’re the biggest loser in WWE. And in 2013 I will be World Champion and all you will be is still a loser.

Cena; Quite frankly you’re wasting everyone’s time. Everyone’s supposed to have fun and be alive and cheering. You dont want me to get serious because it wouldn’t be good for you. Yes, 2012 wasn’t too good to me. I own up to every loss. And yes, the WWE Universe voted me as superstar of the year, but I did not accept that award. You want to write me off, sure, but this is not your first year. This is your seventh. All you’ve been doing is saying “the administration is holding me down! I need a push!” Here’s the facts. The only way someone like you gets a set of nuts is buying them at the concession stand. The Ziggler story goes like this. You were a golf caddie, then you were s cheerleader, then you had blonde hair, then you had brown hair, then you had blonde hair again, then you had a big lady, now you have a small lady and a big man. Now here’s my story. I am making an announcement. I am entering the Royal Rumble, and in 2013 I will be the WWE Champion!

Ziggler: It’s real easy to say that. Real proud of ya. Talk, just like your outfit, is cheap.

Cena: There ya go knocking on the wardrobe again. Yes, the uniform has not changed, but neither has the resolve. I am still full of hustle, loyalty, and respect. That’s why, out of respect, let me toast to a prosperous 2013 to Dolph and AJ with the one thing you’re both full of.

A large amount of crap falls from the rafters and lands on Ziggler and AJ.

Cena: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

AJ and Ziggler collapses on the poop and freak out as the show comes to an end.